Thursday, February 4, 2010

Late night ramblings...

Ok so, my wonderful husband brought home a very perplexing game the other day, Bayonetta. In this game you are this witch type person and you're fighting the angels or whatever. Here's my description of Bayonetta: eleven feet tall, 87 pounds, boobs the size of prize-winning watermelons, 10 inch heels and black cat suit. Now, if you're thinking to yourself, "What makes her any different from any other woman in a video game?" I'd say very, very little.

Women in video games really kinda tick me off. Now this isn't because of some deep-seeded feminism or jealousy issue. Rather, they bug me because there is no possible way these girls could live, let alone kick ass. These girls are so skinny they don't even have room for a uterus and their breasts are so large that they need their own time zone! I mean for goodness sakes the computer that animates their movements must be freaking out! DOES NOT COMPUTE... BOOBS TOO BIG... CANNOT MAKE WALK... DOES NOT COMPUTE!

Ok, so, I digress... What makes Bayonetta different from every other big boobed booty-kicker? She freaking rocks! Ok so, the angels cut off her clothes in like the first 5 minutes (yippee for pseudo-porn in video games) but then her hair turns into a catsuit! Her glasses have butterfly wings and when she does a double jump she sprout butterfly wings! How cute it that! To top it all off... she shoots her guns with her heels. That right there is a skill that all little girls can admire!

I guess what I'm saying is that video games rarely depict any female under the age of 90 in a realistic manner, but Bayonetta is just so damn awesome that I don't care anymore.

Oh the gameplay, right... um, well... I was distracted by the awesomeness that is Bayonetta. Sorry.


So, I thought I was ready to go to bed after that, posted it, brushed my teeth, kissed the husband goodnight, and realized, that's not all.

Bayonetta, she's freaking awesome. But she's only one girl out of the entire video game world! And don't even get me started on Anime! I think they go even farther simply because they can draw it be hand and don't have to worry about computers blowing up trying to calculate a bra strong enough to support those triple Z's!

For example, in Bleach you have this chic, Rangiku Matsumoto. Her breasts are the size of hogs that feed an entire African village for a year! And if you've ever seen the show, there's nothing to support those puppies! (Great Dane puppies). Once again, she's got another itty bitty waist. How her back doesn't break in half, I will never know!

I remember being a kid and people all over the world were getting all in an uproar because Barbie wasn't realistically proportional. These video game and anime women must be straight out of Picasso! They don't have Sir Mix A Lot's 34-26-32 ratio, they have some sort of gamer boy's wet dream over 9000-2-5500 ratio.

Maybe it's just the industry. Maybe it doesn't matter. I'm not one of those video games make kids violent types, so does it even matter what the women look like? Like I said before, I don't really think it's objectifying women, God of War does plenty of that. I just don't like it. There is just something wrong with these gigantic breasts, specially when they jiggle for hours on end. For example, miss what's-her-face from Bleach. There was a fighting game for the Wii that was basically Street Fighter but with Bleach characters. When she fought, her boobs jiggled for another ten minutes after she stopped moving! Seriously, her boobs didn't stop jiggling until after the game switched to another screen. I'm not even sure if they ever stopped jiggling... God that would hurt!

Well, I mentioned God of War. I guess I should explain that. So, in the first God of War at some point you get rewarded with trophy wenches. And yes, you have sex with them, in the game, with audio. Now, in true video-game-pseudo-porn style, you don't see any activity, but you see the vase on the night stand shake like an earthquake just hit and you hear everything, EVERYTHING! It's like when your college roommate's boyfriend got back from football camp. It totally gave me the creeps!

Ok, not that is one thing that I can truly say I don't like about video games and my little inner feminist gets all riled up over this. Why must there be so much sexuality in video games? I just don't get it! Your testosterone is already through the roof from slaughtering thousands, what do you need naked women for? Maybe this is why so many gamers aren't getting out of their mom's basement. They don't even need to look for a date, they can get laid in the game!

I feel like an old Catholic school teacher saying that, but I mean, come on! Get out of the house, meet a nice girl in the comic shop (they show up occasionally, I promise). Take her out to dinner and a movie. Offer her your jacket when she's cold and maybe she just might be desperate enough.

Ok, now I understand most gamers aren't living in their mother's basement (the internet connection just isn't reliable enough) and most of you reading this have gamers who are in good committed relationships and at least have the potential of seeing a woman in the flesh once in their lifetime. Here's the thing, sexuality in video games it's a double edged sword. I started off talking about how much I love Bayonetta (and I do, she freaking rocks my pantyhose off!) but now I'm ranting about the obscene amount of sexuality that has flooded the video game world.

The truth is, I still love Bayonetta and my husband still plays God of War (he just doesn't subject me to the weird trophy wrench scene) and I don't have a problem with it. Yeah, it's easy to get all enraged over sexuality in video games, and yes, those girls need emergency breast reduction surgery, but the sexuality makes some games more entertaining. I would rather watch a game that's a bit juicy than watch a game that bores me to tears.

You know, I'm not really sure what my point is, and in fact, I don't think I have one. I think I have officially rambled. Perhaps now I can get some sleep (that 8 am class will be here sooner than Rangiku's bra).

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