Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Zombie Plans: For the Workplace

You spend 40 or so hours at work each week. Therefore, unless you're asleep, you will probably be at work when the zombies strike. So what do you do?

  • First things first, the company's profit margins no longer matter. It's time to think survival first.
  • Do you have plans to meet up with others? Are you going home to be with your wife or meeting your brother at ye ol' hunting lodge? Do you by chance work someplace that will make a good shelter like a military base warehouse without any windows? Also be aware if you work someplace that seems like a good shelter such as a convenience store or hospital. Hospitals always fall to the undead and have a large number of easy victims. You can disregard that oath you sorta said in college and run like hell.
  • Now it's time to look at your coworkers. Who will be a valuable asset to you in this time? Now's the time to start making these decisions. Which coworkers have zombie plans of their own? They're likely to be good starting points. Which coworkers give you the feeling like they might go postal and end up on an FBI watch list? They might be good to have on your side, or they might go all Criminal Minds on you when the blood starts flying. 
  • Also be aware of which coworkers are likely to be a burden in your time of need. If Sally bawls her eyes out when the copier jams, she won't be much help. The guy who is always looking for his stapler and can't see five inches in front of him is really only useful for one thing: speed bump. If Marge is nine months pregnant, she will slow you down. (You might want to reconsider if Marge is nine months pregnant with your off-spring, but remember, you are a cold-blooded zombie-survivor now. Is this really the best time to get all parental?)
  • Now, if you don't drive to work, or worse, drive a tiny little sportscar, you might want to consider stealing the janitor's pick-up. You will likely need to do some off-roading. Try to find an all terrain vehicle that looks good and sturdy, preferable one with a higher profile so you can clear the bodies on the highway. The afore mentioned lunatic's car might also be a good choice if you think he might have some shooting supplies handy.
  • Next, if you are leaving work, what is your escape plan? Here's where the rest of that planning comes in handy. Let's say you're the first to learn of the impending doom drooling it's way towards your cubical. Who do you tell? Telling the whole office will either get you laughed at, or worse, cause a panic potentially blocking your exit. Keep your mouth shut and only tell those who you need to have on your team, if you need them at all. Calmly exit the building and continue to your safe location.
  • Another thing to consider: Now that your company's profits are not an issue, and you won't be getting that next paycheck anytime soon, loot whatever you can. If Dave has a case of Ramen in the break room, it no longer matters what that label says. Oh, and Cindy's bottle water stash is up for grabs as well. Manners don't matter in the zombie apocalypse, and you probably won't see your coworkers alive again anyways, so who cares if you piss them off?
  • One last thing: You never know in who's zombie plan you may or may not be included. Be wise. Be nice to your coworkers up until the time of zombie death. This may save your life. No one's going to rescue the jerk from the fourth floor, but that really nice guy who seems to be prepared for anything? He's on my team.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Looking for Something Specific?